Body Image

I’ve sat here for the past 3 days trying to write this post. I was thinking about doing a post about my story with eating disorders and body image; I thought it was going to be a lot easier than this. I have struggled with Body dysmorphic disorder (A mental illness involving an obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance) around 4 or 5 years now. With having Body dysmorphic disorder, I also struggle with Orthorexia (a condition of obsessing over calories and/or ingredient lists). I was never an overweight child until puberty, and like most children, when puberty hit I gained weight. I was extremely self-conscious, so I took it into my own hands. I started to workout 6 days a week and eat healthily. I was on the right track, I thought. Technically, I was on the right track, but when you become so obsessed with either of these things, it no longer becomes healthy. I slowly became obsessed with calories, eating 1200 calories 6 days a week and binging on the 7th. With all of this, I did lose all the weight! Although with eating like this, it hurt not only my body but my relationship with food as well. When you start to count calories it seems harmless and it can be harmless, but for me, I was obsessed. I started looking at everything as calories and instead of choosing the healthier option; I just wanted the low-calorie option. I wouldn’t go to holiday parties; unless it was my cheat day. Because, if not, I knew there wouldn’t be any low-calorie options. This went on for awhile, I finally got to my lowest weight, but I still wasn’t happy. I would go to stores and pick up a size large or medium when I was a size XS. Because I still saw myself as the chubby little 13-year-old, and this is when the Body dysmorphic started. Looking back now, I see how small I was and how unhealthy I looked. Around 2 years ago, I decided I wanted to get into intuitive eating, which is gaining more muscle and build my calorie intake back up. It was working for a year, and I thought that I had it figured out! I thought I finally found a way I can live my life where I was at a healthy weight and I wasn’t gaining or losing. I knew that I could maintain this for the rest of my life! I was eating healthy and still enjoying my favorite treats in moderation. I was still struggling with body dysmorphic, but that is something I am still working on. Last year is where I started to feel lost, around February I started to put on weight. And I wasn’t changing anything, I was still eating a balanced diet and working out 6 days a week! (Keep in mind I love working out, and it doesn’t feel like a chore to me!) I didn’t understand why? I started tweaking different little things, switching out some foods, trying out different options, and still nothing. This brings us up to this year, as I decided that I need help with finding why I’m gaining weight when I am still burning more calories then putting in. My doctor and I are still trying to figure out this mystery, but I am determined to find out the cause.

This brings us to the end of the story, I will write an update as soon as I find out the answer to this weight mystery. Until then, PLEASE love your body the way it is! And remember everyBODY is beautiful!

XOXO,
Tara

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